For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
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Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
The USS B port
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.