Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”