Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

mechanics be like

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

the prophecy has been fulfilled

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

The days of good grammer has went

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.