Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

TWEET CALL

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“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.