Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

Pringles

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

pizza

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Cheers Twitter.