– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣