– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
You Might Also Like
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs