For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year