For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
the red hot silly peppers
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
We all have our pet causes.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out