For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
😭😭😭
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.