Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!