For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
![]()
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”