For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Things will get butter, keep churning
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG