For those of you keeping track, so far:

Regular wildfires
Volcano eruption
Radioactive wildfires

Whoever is out there saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”-


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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.


I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.


body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago


Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you


Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.


A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”


Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)


You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.


Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!