thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally