Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

Still cracks me up

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}