Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

knights of the ikea table

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

I feel it

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

“I FIXED IT!”

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.