Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

*limbos away from your hug*

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.