Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.