For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.