Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.