For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*