For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
