For those that worship cheese..
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Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.