For those that worship cheese..
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
🙀🙀🙀😹
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along