Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Genius idea!!

*limbos under the caution tape

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]