Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

[montage of me giving-up]

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Somebody’s lying.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.