Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Nothing.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.