*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
You Might Also Like
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me