Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

john wicks are toilet candles

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.