Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂