*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
You Might Also Like
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”