*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
#math
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists