Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

dude it’s called proctologist

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

If only.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.