Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

is this meant to deter me

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

I bet birds love this building.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke