*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
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My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
concern
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
This 4th of July, please remember…
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
This is a sub tweet
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows