*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
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[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.