Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

Well, this explains it:

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.