Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Raisins are grape jerky.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.