For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.