For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Body by cheese-puffs.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”