For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there