For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I can also cook 😂