For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
😅😅😅
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
