For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
nature’s most graceful animal
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
