For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Who knew!
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
sin harder.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
