For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
True.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
British people
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?