For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids