For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.
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Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.