Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.