Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?