For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Care for your back
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My what?
Noah was an idiot.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence