For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat