For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
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