For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?