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<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.