For when Tinder doesn’t work
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[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.