For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
the short answer to this question
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
You had me at “define legal”.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
