For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
United Steaks of America
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
