For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
The future is now.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.