For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.