Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

adding to the discourse

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

thank god the sign was there

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’