@InternetHippo

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

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@Troman88

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

@JediGigi

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

@Carbosly

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

@illiter8too

So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.

@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

@AndrewNadeau0

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

@click4amanda

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

@Darlainky

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”