I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”
“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”