For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.