For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I want this so bad
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
This story is comedy gold 😂
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…