For years, my wife & I couldn’t have a dog. My doctor said we should stop trying because humans can only make humans.

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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.


When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..


I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?


The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.


*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*


Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*


I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.


My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.