Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
You Might Also Like
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I’d love this…lol
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*