Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
For years, my wife & I couldn’t have a dog. My doctor said we should stop trying because humans can only make humans.
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When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..
Much the same as when you’re stupid…..
Salads don’t kill people. People who eat salads kill people.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.