for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
#Caturday
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
