for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Thank you 🥹
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
