Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monica just destroyed the internet

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye