Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.