For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
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water it, i dare you
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Mountain Goat : )
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.