For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
selfie game
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
my astrological sign is a french fry
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly