For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?