For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it