For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Does this dress make me look cat?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
ok like just. call me at this point
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I think I’m having a stroke
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes