For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish