Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.