Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness