Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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how do y’all walk in shallow water
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
What kind of a cult is this?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink