Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?