*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

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Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.

Is he mad at me?


PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…


If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.


I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away


On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”


How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄


My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!


WORM 911: what’s ur emergency


WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.


My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.