*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Whoa… oh I see lol
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.