*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

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Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?

Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?

Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering


I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!


I just want to take you out…

With an AK-47…

& you thought on a date…hahaha.


if I have learned anything from old movies,
you can’t shoot a tommy gun without laughing hysterically


waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before


1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.


walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden