Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.
Is he mad at me?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away
On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.