@BatBatshitcrazy
@ohpeetie
Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.
Is he mad at me?
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@ohpeetie
@QwertyJones3
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
@shhrugg
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
@3sunzzz
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
@XOperfectmessXO
I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away
@awildhope
On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”
@JllyJllyFish
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
@Lindsieeee
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
@Reverend_Scott
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
@FunnyBison
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.