@BatBatshitcrazy

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

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@ohpeetie

Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.

Is he mad at me?

@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

@3sunzzz

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

@XOperfectmessXO

I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away

@awildhope

On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”

@JllyJllyFish

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

@Reverend_Scott

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

@FunnyBison

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.