@BatBatshitcrazy
@brynnester
Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?
Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?
Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering
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@brynnester
@TheOnlyMommaG
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
@MafiaJoker78
I just want to take you out…
With an AK-47…
& you thought on a date…hahaha.
@ThatBrenna
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not.
@DrinkingDad
“This is bullshit” – bull farmer giving barn tours
@BrokenDollMcGee
if I have learned anything from old movies,
you can’t shoot a tommy gun without laughing hysterically
@WhaJoTalkinBout
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
@badbanana
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
@Social_Mime
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
@mattewe02
walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden